VANCOUVER–The first session begins with the US affirming that there needs to be totalitarian control over the Arctic resources, although they have not specified the allocation of resources. “Order. We will have order in the Arctic, and we will do whatever is necessary to achieve this goal.”
Many Security Council members are alarmed by such unsettling words. France is concerned about US’s sentiments, which do not resonate with traditional American values of freedom, guns, and bald eagles. Rather, these remarks echo the principles of the late Josef Stalin.
Inside sources report that the US has gone through great lengths to brainwash future Arctic inhabitants. “America is love. America is life,” continuously cried Test Subject XQ-423457, who is scheduled for a colonization mission in the near future.
Subject XQ-423457 is just one of thousands of individuals who have touched America’s heart. Through the intensive propaganda campaign administered by the NSA, these brainwashed Arctic pioneers can spread their falsified stories. These falsified stories ultimately convey uplifting messages about love and loyalty towards the United States.
To further ensure the success of these campaigns, the US has implemented subliminal messages in the form of crony capitalism. The US government has developed strong relations with large corporations by purposely overlooking various regulations.
Specific to the current situation in the Arctic, most of the Arctic Council wants to offer compensation to the many indigenous peoples whose lands rights are currently infringed upon. On the other hand, the US refuses to acknowledge their existence.
“We are quite stunned by the fact that they [the USA] will not recognize the lovely indigenous Ugric people. Yet, they rally behind a fictional group they call the LGBT community. Still, we are so pleased to see our American friends changing their ideals,” proclaimed the Russian Federation.
Is the US changing their ideals to fit a new, totalitarian world order? For now, the Onion and its comrades can only hope so.
Many Security Council members are alarmed by such unsettling words. France is concerned about US’s sentiments, which do not resonate with traditional American values of freedom, guns, and bald eagles. Rather, these remarks echo the principles of the late Josef Stalin.
Inside sources report that the US has gone through great lengths to brainwash future Arctic inhabitants. “America is love. America is life,” continuously cried Test Subject XQ-423457, who is scheduled for a colonization mission in the near future.
Subject XQ-423457 is just one of thousands of individuals who have touched America’s heart. Through the intensive propaganda campaign administered by the NSA, these brainwashed Arctic pioneers can spread their falsified stories. These falsified stories ultimately convey uplifting messages about love and loyalty towards the United States.
To further ensure the success of these campaigns, the US has implemented subliminal messages in the form of crony capitalism. The US government has developed strong relations with large corporations by purposely overlooking various regulations.
Specific to the current situation in the Arctic, most of the Arctic Council wants to offer compensation to the many indigenous peoples whose lands rights are currently infringed upon. On the other hand, the US refuses to acknowledge their existence.
“We are quite stunned by the fact that they [the USA] will not recognize the lovely indigenous Ugric people. Yet, they rally behind a fictional group they call the LGBT community. Still, we are so pleased to see our American friends changing their ideals,” proclaimed the Russian Federation.
Is the US changing their ideals to fit a new, totalitarian world order? For now, the Onion and its comrades can only hope so.