The European union thought it would be a great idea to unite countries of various economic strength under a single currency: the euro.
So it’s no wonder that there’s a need to discuss reform of the monetary union, given that countries like Greece are deep in bankruptcy. That’s where the EU found themselves today. One of the major concerns was how current methods of dealing with bankruptcy and debt were unsustainable, and not effective. “We’ve given Greece hundreds of billions in bailouts,” explained Spain. “And right now, we’re discussing another bail out for them. Obviously, we can’t just keep throwing money at them, because nothing is changing.” The solution for improving Greece’s economy? Education. Of course. How about that drinking game, Egypt? Poland suggested better access to higher education, explaining that, “we need to make more skilled workers.” Continuing that train of thought, Spain added, “Better access to higher education is important. And from there, we need to bridge the gap between the education and jobs. Spain suggests that we introduce EU funded co-op programs and internships to help citizens get education and then get good jobs.” But as good as that plan sounds, the finer points were never discussed. When asked what the main points of debate were, Spain admitted, “We’re kind of going in circles. We’ve been talking about education for hours now. I think we talked about some reasonable solutions at some point yesterday but that was so long ago that I forget it all.” It came to the point that the dais had to step in, declaring that, “You guys are being too vague. Exactly how is this all going to work? Also, the idea of training people so they can get jobs is good, but those jobs don’t exist in Greece. You guys are throwing around buzzwords but focusing on the wrong things. We need to rebuild so there’s jobs for people to find.” The world is not a friendly place, especially for children. Wars, human and sex trafficking, and child labour are the traumatizing reality for many children around the world. Quite literally. Circumstances like these mean that PTSD is common in children, especially in developing nations. The Committee on the Rights of the Child (CRC) were tasked with looking at how to keep children in traumatic circumstances in good mental health. This would a be a great opportunity to look at underlying causes of these issues, and come up with long term goals, as well as short term ones. After all, a democratic, just, and safe society is a goal that all should strive towards.
So of course, the debate, in the typical fashion of such debates, just kept going around in circles about education and financial aid. “We need to educate the kids!” explained the delegate of the United States. “We can’t afford to educate our kids,” Saudi Arabia shot right back. Education, as it turns out, was mentioned so many times that Egypt suggested making a drinking game about it because “literally every session of every committee mentions education at least once. It’s a good starting point, but it’s not a whole solution.” The UK then revealed a five-step plan about how they thought financial aid should be used in developing countries, involving solutions on educating kids about mental health and supporting kids with mental health issues, and then stated a few minutes later, “well, the UK doesn’t really plan on giving out financial aid.” “Look, if you’re in a sinking boat, you’re not going to just keep scooping out water. You’re going to patch the damn hole,” Cote D’Ivoire proclaimed passionately. “Short term solutions are great, but we’ve got to look at the root of the problem. We don’t just need a Band-Aid.” And while many developing nations welcomed financial aid, they felt that more developed countries were being too assertive on what the aid should be used towards. Larger nations insisted on solutions that dealt with supporting kids after they had been traumatized, as opposed to how developing nations wanted to focus on the causation and work towards the noble goal of a more just, free, and democratic nation. “All the rich countries are being dumb!” insisted the delegation of Nepal eloquently. “They’re trying to tackle issues that don’t affect them. They’re not listening to us, and we’re the ones who are experiencing this.” Saudi Arabia echoed this sentiment, explaining that, “Foreign aid doesn’t work unless you specifically address the root of the problem because once it runs out we’re back where we started.” In response to all this, the UK had a brilliant plan. “See, the issue is that kids aren’t watching shows about, like, depressed Barney. We need to educate them about mental health!” I am no economist. My dad let me invest a couple dollars once. I made a few more, and then promptly lost it because I was impatient. I don’t think it needs to be said that I don’t know much about cryptocurrency.
The same could be said for most of the delegates of the International Monetary Fund. Israel tried to throw around jargon like pump and dump, and the US decided to take after their president and make up words, declaring that cryptocurrencies were “not indurably backed up”. However, exactly how well the delegates understood cryptocurrency became clear when there was a ten-minute moderated caucus, followed by a ten-minute extension, about exactly how anonymous bitcoin was. Three minutes into the first caucus, Italy gave a very thorough speech about how cryptocurrency was “pseudoanonymous”, followed by very technical aspects about exactly what traces were left by bitcoin. After that, each delegate who went up began with “The question is not about whether or not cryptocurrency is anonymous”, and promptly continued to argue about whether or not cryptocurrency was anonymous. Aside from anonymity, there were consistent remarks about how volatile cryptocurrency was. This quickly became repetitive, because everyone knows how quickly the value of bitcoin changes. If I had a dollar in bitcoin every time I heard in the news about the volatility of cryptocurrency, I’d have two dollars and sixty cents in bitcoin every time I heard in the news about the volatility of bitcoin. Some delegates, however, were actually able to make some poignant points about cryptocurrency. Canada, for example, pointed out that replacing all currencies with cryptocurrency would not be feasible. However, Canada explained that cryptocurrency would be beneficial if it replaced individual currencies on a case by case basis, asserting that “for more developed countries, being able to control inflation with their own monetary policy is important, especially if their current monetary policy is working well for them. However, less developed countries tend to keep making printing money to keep up with debts, which is unsustainable. In those cases, it makes more sense for these countries to adopt cryptocurrency.” But despite a handful of relevant points, the true nature of the committee becomes obvious when the most assertive statement made by any delegate was when Japan declared that, “Israel is a try hard. He’s just salty that he’s not recognized as Palestine." |
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